Further to my excruciating visit to your extravagant high street demonstration of modernity, last week, I wish to extend my unerring gratitude for your continued contribution to my life.

Firstly, I really appreciated that having paid £1,250 for an iPhone X, in November 2017 (on the day it was launched, in fact) based upon the assurance that it was waterproof up to a "maximum depth of 1 meter up to 30 minutes", it lasted right up until two weeks ago when, sadly, it suffered a fatal ingress of water (well, stupidly, it was in a reinforced case, in the pocket of my Gore-Tex jacket, during a seasonal rain shower - extreme act of God I say).

Thank you, so much, for that. I apologise for my naivety, and that I had not understood that your statements only applied "immediately out of the box" and that the seals would "naturally deteriorate over time" in an otherwise perfect device. I feel like such an idiot now that your bearded cool staff have explained that.

Given my patent imbecility, I must extend my indebtedness for your exceedingly generous offer to not only take my iPhone X back for recycling, but to credit me with a whole £310 off another qualifying purchase - I have no idea how you can sustain such a profitable business on that philanthropic basis? Your treasured 'gift' meant that the outgoing iPhone X had only cost me £470 per year; bargain!