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Dear Apple...

Apple Inc

Dear Apple...

  • IMG_22Nov2019at165225

Further to my excruciating visit to your extravagant high street demonstration of modernity, last week, I wish to extend my unerring gratitude for your continued contribution to my life.

Firstly, I really appreciated that having paid £1,250 for an iPhone X, in November 2017 (on the day it was launched, in fact) based upon the assurance that it was waterproof up to a "maximum depth of 1 meter up to 30 minutes", it lasted right up until two weeks ago when, sadly, it suffered a fatal ingress of water (well, stupidly, it was in a reinforced case, in the pocket of my Gore-Tex jacket, during a seasonal rain shower - extreme act of God I say).

Thank you, so much, for that. I apologise for my naivety, and that I had not understood that your statements only applied "immediately out of the box" and that the seals would "naturally deteriorate over time" in an otherwise perfect device. I feel like such an idiot now that your bearded cool staff have explained that.

Given my patent imbecility, I must extend my indebtedness for your exceedingly generous offer to not only take my iPhone X back for recycling, but to credit me with a whole £310 off another qualifying purchase - I have no idea how you can sustain such a profitable business on that philanthropic basis? Your treasured 'gift' meant that the outgoing iPhone X had only cost me £470 per year; bargain!

Thankfully, I am not remotely cynical, or I might have thought that an algorithm could have detected my business asset buying patterns, noting that my mobile 'phone had not been upgraded for two years, and instructed my device to fail facial recognition on the very next occasion environmental moisture exceeded that of the Sahara Desert! What type of lunatic person could think such a thing, eh?!

Your superbly trendy operatives opened my eyes to the alluring qualities of the iPhone 11 Pro - I have no idea why I hadn't already rushed to an outlet to acquire one, in honesty. As well as more cameras (you can't have enough cameras on a mobile telephonic device in my opinion), the two main differences to my life are that; this device is "water resistant to a depth of 4 metres for up to 30 minutes" (four times deeper than my flooded iPhone X, immediately out of the box only, of course) and, I have £865 less to spend on other distractions (such as food, fuel and School clothes). On that basis, how could I not?!

Please accept my reiterated thanks; your parental oversight of my day to day being is a source of undeniable comfort and security, and I can only dream what life might be like without you, when I eventually reach my elastic limit and disappear 'off grid'.


Barry x